I really truly appreciate people asking me how I am doing, however, sometimes I just don't know how to answer. I feel that when I tell them that I am fine then they simply don't believe that is true. However, my idea of fine is probably completely different from yours. My current idea of fine is certainly different than it was six years ago aka before cancer.
If I tell you I'm fine what that means is that I am fine, for my life. Unless I am sitting in a hospital bed this is likely the answer you are going to get from me, I'm fine. If I am sitting in the hospital bed then something is wrong. In my experience thus far that is typically directly related to a fever, infection, pain, or a combination of the three. So, know, if I am sitting in the hospital I am not fine.
There are daily things that I go through which you might not consider "fine" if you were going through them, and that is okay. This doesn't make me stronger than you, it just means it is the situation I have found myself in. I assume when you ask me how I am doing you don't really care if I have been constipated for weeks on end or if my laxatives finally kicked in and I've had diarrhea for days. I am sure they don't want to hear that if I forget to go to the bathroom for too long I have to worry about my bladder leaking. I figure people don't care to know that my leg is hurting, again, especially considering the fact that I have medication to help with that. I also take for granted that people know that I am tired, hell I've been tired for years now and I don't think that is going to change.
There are a lot of things that people don't see which are a reality for me. If I don't sleep at least twelve hours I am not going to be a very pleasant person, you might not see the unpleasant part of me but it does come out (usually in time for me to get home and lay back down). There is a theory, The Spoon Theory created by Christine Miserandino, for a full story about the theory please check out her website, here. The theory is simply a story that is used to explain what it is like to live with a chronic illness, in my case living life with cancer. The spoon theory uses a metaphor of spoons to turn energy into a measurable concept. As person living with cancer it is like I only have a certain number of spoons in my possession each day, and every small action can result in a lost spoon. Once I lose a spoon, it is very hard to get that back until after a full night’s sleep. Simple actions like getting out of bed, taking a shower, walking, and driving can require enormous amounts of energy. When you look at me my cancer could be visible or invisible.
When you see me doing things and making amazing memories with my family, friends, and/or by myself that doesn't mean that I am not experiencing these daily things that I mentioned. It does, however, mean that I am enjoying myself. I am prioritizing what I think is important and putting my energy into it. It means I am fine and I will keep going until I am not fine anymore.
If I tell you I'm fine what that means is that I am fine, for my life. Unless I am sitting in a hospital bed this is likely the answer you are going to get from me, I'm fine. If I am sitting in the hospital bed then something is wrong. In my experience thus far that is typically directly related to a fever, infection, pain, or a combination of the three. So, know, if I am sitting in the hospital I am not fine.
There are daily things that I go through which you might not consider "fine" if you were going through them, and that is okay. This doesn't make me stronger than you, it just means it is the situation I have found myself in. I assume when you ask me how I am doing you don't really care if I have been constipated for weeks on end or if my laxatives finally kicked in and I've had diarrhea for days. I am sure they don't want to hear that if I forget to go to the bathroom for too long I have to worry about my bladder leaking. I figure people don't care to know that my leg is hurting, again, especially considering the fact that I have medication to help with that. I also take for granted that people know that I am tired, hell I've been tired for years now and I don't think that is going to change.
There are a lot of things that people don't see which are a reality for me. If I don't sleep at least twelve hours I am not going to be a very pleasant person, you might not see the unpleasant part of me but it does come out (usually in time for me to get home and lay back down). There is a theory, The Spoon Theory created by Christine Miserandino, for a full story about the theory please check out her website, here. The theory is simply a story that is used to explain what it is like to live with a chronic illness, in my case living life with cancer. The spoon theory uses a metaphor of spoons to turn energy into a measurable concept. As person living with cancer it is like I only have a certain number of spoons in my possession each day, and every small action can result in a lost spoon. Once I lose a spoon, it is very hard to get that back until after a full night’s sleep. Simple actions like getting out of bed, taking a shower, walking, and driving can require enormous amounts of energy. When you look at me my cancer could be visible or invisible.
When you see me doing things and making amazing memories with my family, friends, and/or by myself that doesn't mean that I am not experiencing these daily things that I mentioned. It does, however, mean that I am enjoying myself. I am prioritizing what I think is important and putting my energy into it. It means I am fine and I will keep going until I am not fine anymore.
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