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Mourning the Life I was "Suppose to Have"

10/18/2016

2 Comments

 
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This isn't suppose to be my life.  On this day four years ago I announced that my oncologist said I was a perfect candidate for a trachelectomy.  It had been determined that I had a 2 cm by 3.5 cm tumor visible on my cervix and that this procedure would be successful at eradicating the cancer from my body.  

I remember being thrilled to hear that I was a candidate for the trachelectomy.  In October 2012 my son was three years old, I had already been reunited with JR, now my husband.  He had said I love you for the first time earlier in the month.  I had allowed myself to look forward to a future.  When I was diagnosed with cervical cancer in October 2012 that changed the type of future I could look toward.  With the "normal" treatment for my original stage of cancer being a hysterectomy that changed the future I had to expect.  When my oncologist determined that I could have this procedure and preserve fertility I was hopeful and ready to complete the procedure.

When I look back at this post from four years ago it reminds me that this isn't the life I was suppose to have.  This life that I am living, with persistent recurrent metastatic cervical cancer, is not the life I was looking forward to.  When I made this post I can imagine what was in my mind.  I was thinking, lets do this treatment and put cancer in the past.  Lets move forward to a time when we can be married and a time I could give birth to a younger sibling for my son Wylee.  Lets move on.

That picturesque life is not the life I have.  According to research the data indicates that the overall recurrence rate following a trachelectomy is less than 5%.  Less than 5%.  I am in that 5% and I am now living my life with cancer.  I am married to JR, however that wedding was touched by my first recurrence and looking at the pictures you can see that our wedding day was completed with a tube coming out of my back and no hair.  I lost my fertility with treatments for my recurrences.  Now I move on, living with a cancer that isn't going away.  Living.  Today I will take some time to grieve the loss of the life I was "suppose to have" because it is okay to take some time to mourn that loss.  However, I will move on.  I will move on and advocate in hopes someone else doesn't have to go through what I have gone through.  I will advocate for those who are going through a cancer diagnosis so they know which resources are available to them.  I will live my life.  

I have a beautiful and amazing family who loves me and supports me.  I have great friends and extended family who support me.  I even have amazing organizations who I am incredibly thankful to be a part of.  Although it is not what I expected, I love the life I have and I plan to continue living it to its fullest.  I challenge each of you to live the same.

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2 Comments
Jim Obergfell
10/18/2016 11:11:26 am

Thank you for sharing your story. I sincerely appreciate it.

Reply
Leah
10/18/2016 01:03:27 pm

You are an amazing woman!!! JR is lucky to have you! Keep fighting!

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    Author

    Erica is a 32 year old cervical cancer advocate who is out living cancer for the third time. When she isn’t advocating for cervical cancer and HPV awareness as a Cervivor Ambassador, she previously oversaw the STEM program at the school where she was an educator; she now helps coordinate the robotics program. Erica enjoys spending time with her husband and son in their Indianapolis neighborhood, as well as pursuing new and adventurous hobbies. She can most recently be found fawning over kayaks and daydreaming of returning to whitewater kayaking with First Descents, an organization for young adults impacted by cancer. 

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