This post is hard to hear because it deals with mortality. It might bring up fears you have had for me that I have never really acknowledged. I don't write this lightly. I know many of my readers, I am your wife, mother (once Wylee is old enough to read this story, if he chooses), daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, cousin, co-worker, friend. I know this is scary. I know it is something no one wants to talk about. Yet, I need to talk about it.
If you've been following my cancer story you know I am generally positive about my experience. I've never really wondered why this disease chose me. I've never worried I might die, that just was never an option. I would not, could not die from this cancer.
This week I found myself in the hospital, yet again. I was the sickest I had felt in the past few years. Now, part of this is my fault. Typically I go straight to the hospital as soon as I get a fever. This time I opted to live a little life and continue with my four day plans for being out of town. I made a choice and I would make the same choice again. However due to my choice, my fever and infection got worse. On my way home from California I found myself requesting a wheelchair for only the second time on this journey of cancer. I couldn't physically make it through the airport. I found myself on a plane trying to break a 103 degree fever. Finally, on the last leg of my trip I found myself physically ill and vomiting on the plane. I was so ready to get to the hospital when I finally arrived around 1:30 am on Monday morning.
During that plane ride and following hospitalization I had a lot of quiet time to think. I realized I am not invincible and that this cancer could eventually kill me. It was a tough realization to come to. Now, don't take that to think I am giving up. It was a realization and feeling I needed "space to feel". I reached out to a few private support groups and they supported me through my thoughts.
Today I am feeling better. I am out of the hospital. I went back to work today. I was diagnosed with another kidney infection, which is what landed me in the hospital. I have had my stent exchanged again and we have a plan moving forward. Moving forward we are going to do IV antibiotics from home for ten days and then oral antibiotics to try and keep me out of the hospital.
Once we wrap up this infection we can start managing my cancer again using the Avastin. I can continue living my life with cancer. I'm thankful I took the time to see my own mortality but please know, I am not going anywhere anytime soon. This cancer is going to either stay small and unimportant or we are going to go on the aggressive offensive and attack it again. This woman isn't going down without a fight. As I stated earlier: I'm once again not worried I might die, it isn't an option. I will not, cannot die from this cancer.
Thank everyone for your continued support! Please look forward to a post about the fabulous time I had at Cervivor School in San Diego!