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Don't treat me like I'm sick, but remember I am.

2/19/2016

2 Comments

 
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I talked to the nurse at my gynecologic oncologist's office this week, specifically we discussed that I have been having just a general feeling of fatigue and I was seeking an explanation for why I am feeling this way.  As we talked, the answer to my question became so evident to me.  Sometimes, as much as I want to ignore it and pretend like I can just push through everything like normal, I need to slow down and remember that I do have cancer.  Speaking with my nurse, who doesn't even see my day-to-day life, she was able to rattle off a list of things I had completed in the last month that would make the most healthy person I know tired.  That was without her even knowing that I am actively doing other things on top of the things she was able to list.

If you know me personally, you know that I don't really slow down.  I push through and get things done that I want and/or need to get done.  You also know that it is really no good to try and tell me to do something differently, slow down, or change my plans.  When I have my mind set on something, I am going to do it.

I think that sometimes, because I don't look sick, people forget that I have cancer.  Or maybe forget is a poor choice of words.  I think it is easier for people to compartmentalize it and see me as healthy.  It is easier for me to forget that I need to take time to myself.  When I had a nephrostomy tube coming from my back you can be sure I never "forgot" I had cancer.  It is easier to put the cancer aside when I look healthy.  I don't want to see myself as sick.  I don't want to be sick.  I want to go back to my life as if it is all normal.  It is not normal.  It will never be normal again.

I have been debating writing about this for a while.  I don't want to change the way people look at me.  I don't want you to question if you should invite me out.  I don't want you to stop yourself from asking for my help with something.  I don't want you to see my differently.  I don't want to be different.  I don't want you to handle me like I am fragile and going to break.  I don't want you to feel like you need to take care of me.  

So, you might be wondering, what do I need?  I just need you to be there.  I need you to understand that if I can't do something, it isn't you personally.  I need you to include me in things, even if I end up not being able to make it.  I need you to understand, sometimes I just have to go home and rest.  I need you to trust that I will work to not overcommit myself and I will tell you when I just am not up to doing something.  I need you to help me make the world a fabulous place for my son, who has to see the worst parts of cancer.  Most of all, sometimes I just need a minute to breathe.

2 Comments
Mom
2/19/2016 08:45:08 pm

Honey, please take time for yourself. Slow down a bit, I love you!

Reply
Ada Oakerson
2/20/2016 12:17:24 am

When is your spring break? We so have to get lunch or dinner. So good to see you on 2/14

Reply



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    Author

    Erica is a 32 year old cervical cancer advocate who is out living cancer for the third time. When she isn’t advocating for cervical cancer and HPV awareness as a Cervivor Ambassador, she previously oversaw the STEM program at the school where she was an educator; she now helps coordinate the robotics program. Erica enjoys spending time with her husband and son in their Indianapolis neighborhood, as well as pursuing new and adventurous hobbies. She can most recently be found fawning over kayaks and daydreaming of returning to whitewater kayaking with First Descents, an organization for young adults impacted by cancer. 

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