Thursday I was feeling much better. I stayed in bed until around ten and decided to head to work for a while. It didn't start out well. I headed North when I work South (obviously I know this). I passed the exit for where I was trying to go then the Taco Bell/Pizza Hut I had committed to for lunch because I wanted pizza was now just a Taco Bell. It didn't end there, I went the wrong way and got stuck in the exit and couldn't enter the drive thru, so I just backed up. I ordered and proceeded to work. While Wylee was on recess I went to tell him that he was going with the YMCA after school, which he loves. He cried because he wanted me to stay, in retrospect that is because he was sick but we didn't know that yet. Work went well, I was able to work with a student and felt productive. I attended the faculty meeting and was even able to check in on the tutoring program which is incorporating robotics. How awesome!
Today, the breakdown, 11:45. I'm driving Wylee from his doctor appointment and we pass the outdoor water park that is approximately 3 blocks from our house. "Mommy, why didn't we go to that park this year", well buddy remember Mommy has cancer and had the tube and couldn't swim sounded like the lamest true excuse ever but I had to say that because, it is the truth. Then as we are driving "Mommy, when you don't have cancer can we go on vacation?" At this point I'm in tears, I'm not a cryer. That is my rule we my friends, we don't cry about this. It is hard to do with your five year old though. I tell him "Of course we can go on vacation and we will celebrate when Mommy doesn't have cancer." I called JR, I don't even know what about now as he was on his way to a funeral but he asked if I'm okay and for once I said "no, I'm not". At that point there was nothing to be done though. So I got Wylee and I lunch and headed home.
It was also a hard day because although I know cancer kills people, and I appreciate my doctor's complete honesty. It was hard to hear "we need to kill the cancer before it kills you."
I have also had a hard day because my Papaw is sick, and isn't going to get better. He was my first best friend. I spent all my time with him. We did simple things like going to mow for "the old ladies". We would go to Kroger and I would get quarters for candy. I remember sitting in the back room (which was a living room back then) trying to come up with new creative ways to say I wanted to watch channel 33 to "trick" him. 33, 3 3, Nick, Nickelodeon, like he didn't know that it was all the same channel. I remember making green beans with potatoes. Smoked sausage with awful sauerkraut I still don't eat. I have fond memories of going with him out to Uncle Steve's house. It hurts so much that I live far away from him in his time of need. It hurts that my health prevents me from coming as often as I want. It especially hurts that I wanted to go this weekend but now Wylee and I are both sick and I can't risk making him sick.
It hurts that I know I can't have anymore children, even though I didn't know for sure that I wanted more now that is taken from me. Cancer has taken that from me. It is hard to explain to a five year old why he isn't going to have a little brother or sister like he wanted. We told him, wait until after the wedding. Then the cancer came back. Now he doesn't understand why there can't be a baby once the cancer is gone.
It hurts that now that it is October everything is pink, I can only hope I can continue to make an impact and in January which is cervical cancer awareness month specifically someone will realize it. Ironically as I am typing this there is a Kroger ad playing in support of breast cancer and using pink tags to signify donations to breast cancer. I'm not saying breast cancer research and support isn't important; but, do you know what else is important? Cervical cancer research and support. Woman are dying of this cancer still. Un-needed deaths. People going undetected, not thinking it can happen to them, not knowing the symptoms.
Cancer hurts, sometimes it is overwhelming and it was just that type of day. Tomorrow is a new beautiful day and will be treated that way.