Have you ever been in a room full of strangers and had the feeling they just "get you"?  I am lucky enough to have experienced this in September.  In September I was able to attend Cervivor School in San Diego.  Cervivor School was both informative and empowering.  I also, didn't think I was even going to make it.  I spiked a fever the night before we were to take flight.  Long story short, I talked my oncologist into sending me assuring him I could break the fever.

We started out with our first night where we had a meet and greet with all our fellow Cerviors.  We were serenaded by the wonderful music from two individuals who are cancer survivors who express their story through song and had time to get to know each other.  It was a great laid back time to meet the other ladies.

Friday kicked off with a full schedule.  We did some getting to know you activities, one of which I got to co-lead with a Cervivor Ambassador Maria.  It was a great time!  We had each lady write down three facts about herself and each person had to guess who it was.  It was a great way to get to know a large group of fabulous women.  Next there was a focus on our personal stories, how to tell our stories, and how to get our stories out there in a way that can make a difference.  We talked about having different versions of our story:  an "elevator speech", 2 minute story, and our full story.  We talked about how we might look to our audience to determine which version of our story we would be telling.  We also learned about how to fully utilize social media to our advantage.  It was so informative!  My goal is to use more hashtags and link information together more efficiently!  We also had a presentation by Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in Santa Monica, CA and a Professor of Psychology at California State University, Los Angeles. Dr. Durvasula.  She is featured on the video Someone You Love and she was 100% real, honest, and open. She was ready to talk to us about anything and everything.  I came out of this day ready to go out and advocate for cervical cancer awareness, HPV testing, and general education.

Saturday was another full schedule and I loved it!  This day focused a lot around being sure we were educated with all the facts.  The first person to present was a fellow cervical cancer survivor, author, and wellness expert Mary Marcdante.  Our next presentation was given by  Jesse Nodora, DrPH, and Ana Lilia Maldonavo, both of Project Vela and it focused on HPV, cervical cancer, health disparities and public health.  It was great to have experts there, in the flesh, ready to answer our questions!  Up next, Rebecca Perkins, MD, MSc Boston University School of Medicine joined us via Skype. She provided information about HPV screenings and vaccinations.  She was also very informative about common misconceptions and how we can combat those misconceptions. As I assumed, there is so much misinformation out there regarding the Gardisil vaccine.  Previously I would disregard people talking negatively about the vaccine so I was greatly appreciative to have so many facts provided to help me be able to combat that misinformation!

Next we ended up a little bit off schedule and watched the video Someone You Love.  I have previously viewed this video.  I found it very difficult to watch this time.  I am in a different place in my treatment right now.  Knowing that my cancer has returned for the third time made it very difficult to view.  There is a wonderful woman on the video who deals with a cancer reoccurrence and doesn't make it.  I knew that going into the video.  I left the room frequently when she was on the video.  After the video we passed around the microphone and discussed our feelings after viewing the video.  As you can see in the recap video the camera caught me in a rare "crying moment".  As my family can attest I typically have a "no crying rule" with cancer.  It was a difficult moment and I am glad I had my Cervivor family around me during this time.  After the video we wrapped up our sessions for the day with "Keeping Things Sizzling" and talked about physical intamcy issues that go along with cancer.  We had a fabulous dinner then we got to view a spectacular burlesque show.  What a better way to finish up a long day in Cervivor School?

Sunday was graduation day and it was great.  My body had finally decided it wasn't going to break the fever I had been fighting since Wednesday but I didn't let that stop me.  I attended graduation and I'm so glad I did!  My flight back was pretty rough and I was checked into the hospital upon return to Indiana

I am so happy that I went to Cervivor School and I can't wait to expand my advocacy efforts! 

I should precaution you, this isn't like any post I've had before.  This isn't my normal "positive cancer post".  This is a raw, unfiltered, real post.  This is the type of post most cancer patients keep neatly stored in his/her head and might not even bring out in a safe cancer support group.  Yet, here it is.  This will be hard to read if you know me personally.  This might be hard to read if you don't know me personally but continue to follow my story.

This post is hard to hear because it deals with mortality.  It might bring up fears you have had for me that I have never really acknowledged.  I don't write this lightly.  I know many of my readers, I am your wife, mother (once Wylee is old enough to read this story, if he chooses), daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, cousin, co-worker, friend.  I know this is scary.  I know it is something no one wants to talk about.  Yet, I need to talk about it.

If you've been following my cancer story you know I am generally positive about my experience.  I've never really wondered why this disease chose me.  I've never worried I might die, that just was never an option.  I would not, could not die from this cancer. 

This week I found myself in the hospital, yet again.  I was the sickest I had felt in the past few years.  Now, part of this is my fault.  Typically I go straight to the hospital as soon as I get a fever.  This time I opted to live a little life and continue with my four day plans for being out of town.  I made a choice and I would make the same choice again.  However due to my choice, my fever and infection got worse.  On my way home from California I found myself requesting a wheelchair for only the second time on this journey of cancer.  I couldn't physically make it through the airport.  I found myself on a plane trying to break a 103 degree fever.  Finally, on the last leg of my trip I found myself physically ill and vomiting on the plane.  I was so ready to get to the hospital when I finally arrived around 1:30 am on Monday morning. 

During that plane ride and following hospitalization I had a lot of quiet time to think.  I realized I am not invincible and that this cancer could eventually kill me.  It was a tough realization to come to.  Now, don't take that to think I am giving up.  It was a realization and feeling I needed "space to feel".  I reached out to a few private support groups and they supported me through my thoughts.  

Today I am feeling better.  I am out of the hospital.  I went back to work today.  I was diagnosed with another kidney infection, which is what landed me in the hospital.  I have had my stent exchanged again and we have a plan moving forward.  Moving forward we are going to do IV antibiotics from home for ten days and then oral antibiotics to try and keep me out of the hospital.

Once we wrap up this infection we can start managing my cancer again using the Avastin.  I can continue living my life with cancer.  I'm thankful I took the time to see my own mortality but please know, I am not going anywhere anytime soon.  This cancer is going to either stay small and unimportant or we are going to go on the aggressive offensive and attack it again.  This woman isn't going down without a fight.  As I stated earlier:  I'm once again not worried I might die, it isn't an option.  I will not, cannot die from this cancer.

Thank everyone for your continued support!  Please look forward to a post about the fabulous time I had at Cervivor School in San Diego!