As we conclude Cervical Cancer Awareness Month #CCAM I wanted to give an update to my family, friends, and readers.  I had my last scheduled round of Carbo/Taxol chemotherapy on December 29th, 2016.  We waited the appropriate amount of time for the treatment to be completed and I had a PET scan on January 27th, 2017.  I awaited the results via email, but they never came.  It is not completely uncommon to not receive them via email, especially if the doctor has additional clarifications to get, but it still makes me nervous.  I was very anxious, worried, and nervous heading into my oncology appointment today.  It is extremely stressful when even getting good results on a scan still means that I have cancer. 

Today I got what most would consider good results.  Does that mean I am cancer free?  No.  The way I look at it we are chasing the cancer.  Trying to be one step ahead of it at all times, but still chasing the cancer.  Our goal continues to be for me to be able to live my life to its fullest while still considering quantity of life.  My October scan showed that I had twelve cancerous areas.  I had convinced myself that not only would this scan show they were still there but that it would show additional areas.  Thankfully I was at least partially wrong.  Of the twelve areas ten of them are gone!  Woohoo!  There are also two additional areas which have appeared during my treatment and the two left originally did grow a small amount.  That leaves me with four areas with cancer.  As you see, a good scan is still a scan with cancer.

If you are into all the medical jargon, here is where the spots are specifically:

• 15 mm lymph node at the base of the neck on the left side, supraclavicular SUV 8.8 (new spot)
• 12 mm lymph node in the upper chest on the left side SUV 5.5 (new spot)
• 10 mm lymph node in the mid abdominal retroperitoneum between the aorta and vena cava SUV 6.4
• 8 mm x 10 mm lymph node lateral to prior abdominal node SUV 6.2

If you made it through all that medial information.  Thank you for continuing to read.  It is helpful for me to reference the specifics from time to time and the blog is a great place for me to quickly glance back.  You might be wondering, what is next?  Well there was discussion about radiation, clinical trial research, and eventually more chemo.  It was determined that my body needed a break from the chemo and I should be receiving a phone call regarding the next steps tomorrow once my gynecological oncologist can conference with my radiation oncologist.  I have a great team and I am looking forward to moving forward with treatment.

As #CCAM comes to a close please remember that I share my story with you because I want you to take care of yourself.  I don't want another woman to be in my footsteps.  If you are already dealing with cervical cancer or a survivor I want you to know you are not alone.  Cervical cancer can be eradicated through annual well woman exams, Pap and HPV co-testing, and HPV vaccination.  Know the facts.  Educate yourself.  Eradicate a cancer.

January is Cervical Cancer Awareness Month #CCAM.  If you are here on my blog, you most likely know my overall story.  If you don't, I urge you to take a moment and read my story here.  Today I want to talk to you about something that has been weighing on my mind.  Cancer shaming.  If you are my friend or family member you will probably be shocked to hear that women are shamed for having cervical cancer.  I hope that you have been exposed to it enough, through my efforts and those of many other strong women, that you don't have any negative conotations related to cervical cancer.  This, however, isn't always the case.

I have sat in countless groups, meetings, and conferences related to gynecologic cancers and heard women expressing that they didn't feel comfortable talking about their cancer.  They felt embarassed and even ashamed to have a below the belt cancer.  I can honestly say sitting and hearing these women express the shame was a new concept to me.  I had talked about my cancer from the time I was diagnosed.  Since I was first diagnosed in 2012 I had never received any negative responses from family or friends, at least none that made their way back to me.  I continue to be grateful for the support that I receive.  Over the past few weeks I experienced the first time that an individual I know had something negative to say about my cancer experience.  I was horrified and offended.  I also, for the first time, understood where the women were coming from who were ashamed of their cancer.

The individual insiuated that if I had only been more proactive, more careful, somehow done more I wouldn't have cancer.  I know, logically, that I did everything within my control to not have cancer.  I had abnormal pap tests for years before I had cancer and I always gone to my follow up appointments, even when I had to go every six months for multiple years.  I had the procedures done to remove any cells my doctor recommended.  I did everything I was suppose to.  I still got cancer.  Is that my fault?  Absolutely not.  Does that mean that preventative care doesn't work?  Absolutely not.  Let me be clear, I am a strong advocate for the annual well women exam, HPV and Pap co-testing, as well as HPV vaccination.  There are measures you can take to help prevent cancer.  The more measures you take, the less likely you will be to develop cervical cancer.

Over the past few weeks I have been analyzing why I was so offended at the words this individual spoke.  Firstly, I felt like I was offended because obviously they don't pay any attention to the information I spread (or else how could they insiuate I did something to cause my cancer).  Then I thought I was offended because they were essentially blaming me for having cancer, something which shouldn't happen to anyone.  Finally, I realized I am most upset because I don't want anyone saying something like that which my son could eventually hear.  I am terrified that I am going to die of this cancer, this cancer that isn't going away.  I am more terrified that my son will hear things from individuals that make him think I had cancer because I didn't do enough to not have cancer.

I want my son to not be ashamed that his mother had cervical cancer.  I want him to be educated enough to know that the majority of the population will have HPV at some point, including his mother.  I want him to know that although HPV can cause cancer there are steps to prevent those cancers, namely recieving the HPV vaccine before any intimate contact.  I want him to remember me as someone who spoke up and made a difference.  If I die from this cancer, I hope that my son is able to talk about his experiences related to my cancer.  I hope he is proud to say that I advocated for awareness and helped other women with cervical cancer.  I hope shame of cervical cancer is never even on his radar.